This marketing guy called me on the phone the other day. He told me I could make a basket full of cash by lending my name to some products. "Branding," the guy said. "You're an A-number-one marketable commodity."

"I am?" I said.

"You bet, baby," he answered. "With your name and my know-how, we're gonna knock people on their ears. And the only work you'll have to do is sign royalty checks. Better get some liniment! Har har har," he laughed.

"Like what kind of products?" I asked.

"Bar soap. The ladies love bar soap. We can buy the cheap stuff in Hong Kong and put a fancy label on it with your picture. Take a bath with Bob, that's our logo."

"Take a bath with Bob?"

"How about the Get a Buzz with Bob power drink? I love that one. And then there's T-shirts. Put your face on the front and 'Adios' on the back. We'll call them 'Bobby Ts.' Did I mention the sequined, signature lawn mowers?"

"Hey, wait a minute…"

"And don't forget the jams and jellies. 'Spreadable Bob.' Bob on pumpernickel. Bob on rye. Bob on a roll!"

"Listen," I told him. "The only one on a roll is you?and it's got to stop, right now."

"Bob on a bagel?"

"Not Bob on a bagel or Bob on rye or Bob on anything. I don't want my name used to sell products I don't even use. After all," I said, "I have my self-respect to think of."

"Gee, Mr. Barker, I had no idea…"

"It's not Barker, it's Baxter."

"You're not Bob Barker, the host of Price is Right?"

"No, I'm Bob Baxter, editor of SKIN & INK Magazine.

"Never mind."

Bob Baxter
Editor in Chief