EDITOR'S COMMENT — January 1999
So what happened to the money back guarantee?
I remember when people used to stand behind their products when the toaster blew up or the dishwasher shuddered to a stop, mid-cycle. At my favorite restaurant, I remember a tough slice of veal whisked from the table and replaced by a grenadine of beef that you could cut with a fork. I've done straight switches for computer software that wouldn't boot up and shoes that pinched my toes. Some retailers are famous for their buyer-friendly return policy. It's all part of a company's integrity. Their sacred relationship with the customer.
I got thinking about this when I woke with a terrible backache a while ago. There I was, in bed, wondering why my spine felt hammered. Ahah, I thought. I'll just contact the friendly folks at Simmons and they'll give me a new mattress for the one that's turned into a hammock. No such luck. The Simmons testing guy made a bunch of measurements and turned me down. "We found no structural failure in the mattress," said the official letter.
"Then how come I feel like a wounded pretzel?"
It got me thinking. What happens if a tattoo goes bad? What if it starts to fade prematurely or looks just terrible? What if the $800 likeness makes your girlfriend look like a monkey? What recourse do you have? Just like with that lousy mattress; you're screwed.
Actually, with a mattress, you can always purchase another. But, with a bad tattoo, no dice. Sure, you can get a cover-up, but that's not always possible. And, hey, that's not the design you originally wanted! Plus, why should you have to spend another eight bills on a job that should have been right in the first place?
One suggestion is to send the photos directly to me so that everyone from Amsterdam to Amarillo will see what kind of garbage passes for quality work in this over populated world of instant tattoo shops and untrained artists. Maybe I'll create a special Scratchers Page featuring really bad tattoos and the names of the artists in big, 14-point type. That would generate some needed housecleaning, don't you think?
I probably won't do it, even though it is certainly a fine, well-intentioned idea. After all, there's always the chance that certain unscrupulous people, in order to sabotage a competitor, might mislabel a photo by-mistake-on-purpose, and send it in. Can you imagine? Damn! There's always jerks to ruin things. But, if I do happen to get enough photos of terrible tattoos by so-called tattooists that would be better employed cleaning bricks, I just might change my mind.
Keep those cards and letters coming.
—Bob Baxter, Editor in Chieff